I DON’T WANT TO WRESTLE WITH THE LORD ANYMORE

Another month has passed. Recently I’ve been going through some emotional roller coaster. I turned 32 this year, I thank God for allowing me to reach this age but on the other side I was a bit frustrated, because my birthday reminded me once again of my unanswered prayer. It’s been ten years now since I seriously prayed for that. I prayed for a partner in life. I don’t know God’s reason why until now it remains unanswered. I never had a serious relationship (when I say serious, no one really asked me seriously the words “Will you marry me (lol))

Sometimes I thought of maybe I have the gift of single blessedness, right now I am single, I am not dating anyone and I can’t see anyone who wants to date me (lol)…

A Pastor once said this “ As a young lady what you can do is to position yourself in the church, that means you have to join ministries like young adults or single’s ministry. I am actively involved in our Church. But still no one noticed me. (lol) I checked the way I dress, I think I dressed appropriately. I check my hygiene, Oh boy I brush my teeth 3 or 4 times a day, I used floss and mouthwash (lol), I take a bath everyday. And yes sometimes, I asked the Lord, what’s wrong with me. Am I ugly, I think I am beautiful (LOL), maybe the best guy for me is not yet been born ( lol), or maybe he’s dead (lol). Or maybe I am not yet ready to get married. Yeh I think I am not yet ready.

When will I get ready? I don’t know really. God knows when. And God knows if I have the gift of single blessedness.

Honestly sometimes I felt desperate. But I thank God for He always remind me that “I am a whole person” and I don’t need someone to tell me “You complete me” (lol) Jerry Maguire

For the past ten years I’ve been insisting on the things that I wanted. I wanted God to answer my prayers based on my standards. I was too self-centered and focused on what I wanted. I stubbornly ignore the voice of the Lord and insist my own reasoning. I ignored the things that God wants me to settle, to give up, to let go. All this time I thought that I gave God the driver’s seat. Yes, I gave the driver’s seat but deep down in my heart I was murmuring, I was complaining, I was dictating, I was ungrateful, sometimes I want to rebel against Him.

I really don’t know when will God answer my prayer. It’s up to him, I no longer focus on that instead I want to do the things that God wants me to do. I will seek and seek and seek more of His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto me. Is God selfish, absolutely not, it’s in my best interest to seek His will first. I’ll start pursuing some of the wonderful things that God put in my heart.

It’s no longer my problem if the right man will come on my way, it’s no longer my problem if I will be single forever, it’s God’s problem. Understanding God’s will or God’s best for us is sometimes difficult

What I learned through the years is that, time and time again God will show you that He is in control of everything, sometimes you cant’ see Him working but He is indeed working. And that no matter how you try to go to the opposite direction. He will always put you on the road where He wants you to go. If we continue to be stubborn, it will just take a longer time for us to get to where God wants us to be.

I no longer want to wrestle with God. All I want now is for Him to hold my hand and for me to follow His lead.

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