I’ve read this somewhere else “Loneliness is just a call from God for a greater intimacy with Him” it struck my heart, I think this is what i need right now. Although I’m am serving the Lord, I am active in the Church but deep down in my heart I am complaining, I am rebelling, I want to do the things on my own, without God’s guidance. I am beginning to plan on my own without consulting the Lord. I feel like my prayers are all negative to the Lord. I feel like the world is against me. I noticed that even simple things vex me. My patience are being tested and I failed. I want to shout and fight back to everyone who wronged me.

I hated the taxi driver who drove 5 minutes and asked me for 200.00 fare. I blamed and hated myself for forgetting my wallet in the office yesterday during rush hour(i needed to get out from the FX to get my wallet).

Just today, I was irritated while talking to a friend, when he’s telling me (I guess suggesting) what i need to do, I felt dictated.

These are the emotions that are kept inside my heart and right now all i want to do is to cry out, but I can’t.

Well, there is one person that I know, who will never judge me, He will accept me even i messed up a thousand times. Someone who will not argue with me(although i argue with Him so many times). Someone who will listen to my litanies and reasonings. And I know no matter how clever and logical are my own reasonings. His wisdom is unfathomable.

His thoughts are higher that my thoughts.

And i know no matter how many complains I have in my heart, I am always be His beloved and I always crawl to Him, to Jesus who keeps me in His care.

On the other side, I know that I just over reacting when I said that my prayers are remained unanswered. I know He is an answering God. He proved that when He saved my mother from a tragic accident. I praise and thank Him for His faithfulness and love. I don’t deserve it.


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