Reminiscing my Life as a Single Gal

I wrote this few years ago when i was struggling with my single life. It’s good I recorded those agonizing moments that I went through and the longings I had in the past . As what Jacob said in Genesis 35:3 “I will make an altar there to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever i have gone. (NASB). This is one of the stone markers to remind me of God’s goodness. While reading this, I couldn’t help but think of  His gracious hand that brought me this far already.

To the singles out there be blessed my friend, God has a plan for your life.

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A friend once told me… the conversion goes something like this “why do I feel such loneliness, sometimes this loneliness hurts so badly… .. I’m looking for something; don’t know what is that… I want to do something else. I feel like something is missing in my life”

Another friend told me “why did loving someone so painful, I missed him so much that it hurts” loving someone especially when it’s unreciprocated love, boyy, that will indeed break your heart.
Another told me “everyone else seems to have somewhere to go, have something to enjoy, someone to go out… what seems to be wrong with us… we have the looks naman… we are Christians, we’re serving the Lord… it seems that we have been excluded… did God forget us.”

Another question “if God wants me to be single all my life, then why did He put this longing and desire in my heart to get married”

I don’t know the answer… all I know is… I’ve been through this kind of emotional conflict.

A friend of mine gave a book last year with a dedication “God knows your longings you could rest assured that “the best is yet to come…… patience is the key”…… I want to answer back… what do ya think am I doing?… it’s been a long time…. How long will I wait. You don’t know what I am going through right now.
During those times I felt so vulnerable, self-pity, resentment, anger filled my heart… I felt like God was punishing me. My heart was freezing. I want to run from life… I want to run and run and run….
But during those agonizing moments… that I felt the closeness of God, His Word became alive, my dark sides were exposed.

I learned to accept my loneliness; I know I have to go through this stage. I learned to offer all my longings, desires, dreams and plans to God. I learned to let go of the pains.I may not understand everything, I don’t need to. Some of my questions are remain unanswered until now… what I have learned was… God is God, He is all-knowing and that He knows what He’s doing. I may not see the future… but I know … He knows my future. God is too compassionate to let me suffer like that. He himself experienced loneliness, betrayal, He was rejected.. until now we are still rejecting Him…I don’t know how painful it is for Him

As Elizabeth Elliot said in one of her books “ could it be that you allow me to long to missed him because you want me to remember-to suffer me to hunger- so that I might the more fully learn to find all my satisfaction in You”
Could it be that God wants you to fully learn to find all your satisfaction in Him before giving you to that man…….

Think about it…..

© The Emissary’s Feet/The Woman Whom Jesus Loved

My Longing Few Years Ago

I was checking and reading again my journals which some of those I posted on my old blog, and I found this. Wow I couldn’t remember that I wrote this few years ago, but look at me now I am married. I didn’t know that few months after this God will answer my prayer, so to the singles out there, keep on praying and waiting. God knows the desire and longings of your heart. This makes me laugh, couldn’t even remember the feelings anymore.

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Another month has passed. Recently I’ve been going through some emotional roller coaster. I turned 32 this year, I thank God for allowing me to reach this age but on the other side I was a bit frustrated, because my birthday reminded me once again of my unanswered prayer. It’s been ten years now since I seriously prayed for that. I prayed for a partner in life. I don’t know His reason why until now it remains unanswered. I never had a serious relationship (when I say serious, no one really asked me seriously the words “Will you marry me (lol))

Sometimes I thought of maybe I have the gift of single blessedness, right now I am single, I am not dating anyone and I can’t see anyone who wants to date me (lol)…

A Pastor once said this “ As a young lady what you can do is to position yourself in the church, that means you have to join ministries like young adults or single’s ministry. I am actively involved in our Church. But still no one noticed me. (lol) I checked the way I dress, I think I dressed appropriately. I check my hygiene, Oh boy I brush my teeth 3 or 4 times a day, I used floss and mouthwash (lol), I take a bath everyday. And yes sometimes, I asked the Lord, what’s wrong with me. Am I ugly, I think I am beautiful (LOL), maybe the best guy for me isn’t born yet( lol), or maybe he’s dead (lol). Or maybe I am not yet ready to get married. Yeh I think I am not yet ready.

When will I get ready? I don’t know really. God knows, when. And God knows if I have the gift of single blessedness . Honestly sometimes I felt desperate. But I thank God for He always remind me that “I am a whole person” and I don’t need someone to tell me “You complete me” (lol) Jerry Maguire

For the past ten years I’ve been insisting on the things that I wanted. I wanted God to answer my prayers based on my standards. I was too self-centered and focused on what I wanted. I stubbornly ignore the voice of the Lord and insist my own reasoning. I ignored the things that God wants me to settle, to give up, to let go. All this time I thought that I gave God the driver’s seat. Yes, I gave the driver’s seat but deep down in my heart I was murmuring, I was complaining, I was dictating, I was ungrateful, sometimes I want to rebel against Him.

I really don’t know when will God answer my prayer. It’s up to him, I no longer focus on that instead I want to do the things that God wants me to do. I will seek and seek and seek more of His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto me. Is God selfish, absolutely not, it’s in my best interest to seek His will first. I’ll start pursuing some of the wonderful things that God put in my heart.

It’s no longer my problem if the right man will come on my way, it’s no longer my problem if I will be single forever, it’s God’s problem. Understanding God’s will or God’s best for us is sometimes difficult

What I learned through the years is that, time and time again God will show you that He is in control of everything, sometimes you can’t see Him working but He is indeed working. And that no matter how you try to go to the opposite direction. He will always put you on the road where He wants you to go. If we continue to be stubborn, it will just take a longer time for us to get to where God wants us to be.

I no longer want to wrestle with God. All I want now is for Him to hold my hand and for me to follow His lead.

written under “the woman whom Jesus loved” blog

© The Emissary’s Feet

MY REASON WHY I AM GETTING MARRIED

If you ever wonder why i am getting married on April, it’s not because I am old and my age is no longer in the calendar, not because I want it to, not because I am rushing, not because I am happy with this person, not because he completes me and of course not because I am pregnant, Oh I thank the Lord coz He preserved me. My main and ultimate reason is because God called me to the COVENANT OF MARRIAGE, it’s covenant it’s more than a promise. And I know there is POWER with this covenant.

No More Blogging for Now

I am trying to test my self control, I might not be blogging for the coming days though i love doing it. But I am trying not to access the internet, no friendster, no facebook, no myspace, no multiply, no email, no YM. 

I’ll see if i can do it, i tried to get away from cellphone and I did. Right now I have cellphone but I am no longer using it (lol) it’s inside my drawer, sometimes i just use it as my alarm clock. I tried to get away from Television, I did.

Now I am planning to waste my time or should i say invest my time in reading:)

God bless everyone.

I MISS YOU

I just wanna say that “I MISS YOU” 

I hope that everything is well with you.

I hope that you have a nice bed to sleep,

A nice food to eat

A hot water to bath

And most of all I hope that you are

happy and fulfilled with what you

are doing.

I may not see you but I know that our Father

will always check on you.
He’ll check the things that you need .
He’ll check if your health is okey.
and so if ever you lack anyhting
I am sure, He will provide it.
if ever you are sick, I am sure He
will heal you.

Because I always ask Him to protect
and guard you.

So why should I worry, where in fact
He sends His angels to guard you.

And so I say, thank you Father what else
can I say, you are the perfect Father
that I can ever have.

© 2008 by jhunnelle

LORD, CAN YOU CARRY ME?

Lord, I feel tired tonight. 

The worries and cares of this world
seem like too heavy to carry.

I’ve got so much in mind

Questions that are unanswered.

I want to see my future,
but I know I can’t.

Lord, I know that loneliness
is not from you.

But sometimes I feel that way,

Maybe because I entertain him,
when he knocks.

Lord, I know that no one can
help me except You.

That’s why I say Lord,

Can you get the heaviness in my heart.

Lord, I surrender them all to you.

I don’t wanna carry them,
because i can’t bear the heaviness

Lord, I just want to rest in your arms.

Lord, I just want to feel your embrace.

Lord, can I cry once again in your shoulder.

Lord, can you wipe again my tears.

Lord, can you carry me once again.

Lord I want to sleep in your presence.

Knowing that tomorrow,
You will wake me up with a smile in your face.

And so, i say

My soul finds rest in You alone;
my salvation comes from you.
You alone is my rock and my salvation;
You are my fortress, I will never be shaken.(Ps.62:1)

© 2008 by jhunnelle

I AM CONFUSED

I’m just thinking, does it matter to God if i have a wedding in China or a traditional wedding here in the Philippines? 

Everytime a churchmate asks me when and where will be our wedding I feel burdened. For practical reason and to avoid the stress of wedding preparations I prefer my wedding to be in China.

I’ll go to China not for the reason of greener pasture but as a missionary. So instead of spending our savings for the wedding we just save that for the future. We might be needing that especially that we’ll just starting a ministry.

Our family doesn’t care about our wedding, as long as we’ll get married. If i have my wedding here it is only because of my churchmates and my friends.

So my question now is, does it really matter to God? A friend once told me, you ask from the Lord. Does God want me to have my wedding in China or here in the Philippines? I heard testimonies from others that they planned their wedding even without budget but God provided sponsors.

Sigh, I am confused. I haven’t heard confirmation from God when it comes to the place. Hope someone will help me. I wanna get over with thissss.

© 2008 by jhunnelle

FINDING GOD’S WILL

SEVERAL YEARS AGO when I was speaking at Moody Bible Institute, a lady wrote me a note saying, “I didn’t worry about getting married. I did leave my future to God’s will. But every night I hung a pair of men’s pants on bed and knelt down and prayed this prayer, ‘Father in heaven, hear my prayer. And grant if You can. I’ve hung a pair of trousers here. Please fill them with a man.” Isn’t that a great letter? 

Well, I read that, the next week when I got back to the church I pastored in Fullerton, California. It didn’t fit my sermon; I just rammed it in because I thought it was such a great letter. The father and the older son of a family I knew were in the church, but the mother was home with a sick daughter. When I read the woman’s note I watched them. The father just cracked up laughing, but the boy was rather serious. Interestingly, several weeks later I got a letter from the mother who hadn’t been in the service. She wrote, “Dear Chuck, I’m wondering if i have something to worry about. I’ve noticed that our son, when he goes to bed at night, has this bikini hanging over the food of his bed.”

I’ve read this from Favorite Stories and Illustrations by Charles Swindoll. The story is funny, I remember 5 years ago while I was in prayer mountain, praying for God’s will. God impressed upon me that I’ll be marrying someone who is younger than me, He even gave the age, and it’s 28. I was wondering, how could that be, I was 27 then. But i kept that in my heart. Another impression was, that our Senior Pastor knew this guy, and that I will meet him during our church anniversary. So every time we have our church anniversary my eyes were on the visitors, my eyes were roaming for potential mate (lol), since our senior pastor knew this guy, he might be an American also, i actually want to marry an American, i want my kids to have blue eyes..LOL

Well, somehow the impressions that I’ve got were right, I actually didn’t believe those until I met Albert, except ofcourse for the American, I know it’s a selfish desire, i want to marry an American because just like most of the Pinays we want to leave our country.

It was October 2006 when I first met Albert, he was introduced to us by our missionary from China, and that he will be studying in a seminary. I didn’t notice him until November during our anniversary in PICC, he was cutie and handsome wearing a coat, I did want to approach him but i didn’t have courage to do so.

December 2006 during our retreat with 4:30 service workers when i gave up my desire to get married. I told God, “Lord I accept now your verdict, if you want me to be single forever then so be it.” Little did I know that January of 2007, I will gonna meet God’s will for me. Click here for the story.

I remember when I was in prayer mountain, I was praying this “Lord, I must like this person that you’ll give to me, because I don’t wanna experience like what other’s had experienced, when they met their wife or husband, they really did not like them. So please, allow me to like him the moment that our eyes met, LOL” and so God said “so be it.” When I first met Albert, I guess I like him already. Thats’ why I was challenged when he ignored after our disciple training with Ptr. Timmy. I actually called him first.

What about God’s impression to me? Yes, Albert is turning 28 this November, and our Senior Pastor knew him, I met him October, few days before our church anniversary, i took notice of him during the anniversary, though he is not an American and his eyes are not blue colorf, but he is hazel eyed Chinese who has a mix of American and British accent (LoL). God has a humor indeed.

I did pray for my partner in life for almost 10 years, I know what it liked to have an unbelieving boyfriend, I’ve met Christian men, but our relationship didn’t work. When Albert came into my life I asked for so many signs from God because this time I want a relationship that is serious and will glorify him and all were fulfilled.

What I am trying to say here is, God can orchestrate everything, for the singles out there, continue to hope, continue to pray.

I know how hard it is to wait but God is faithful to His promises. What He had planned it will surely come to pass.

© 2008 by jhunnelle